Why am I so damn horrible in math?

I'm 15 and am currently attending a high school continuation program that is an online class. I failed algerbra 1 and barely got out of algerbra readiness in the 8th grade with a C-. I have been horrible in math since the 2nd grade but thanks to our horrible educational system, they passed me again all the way to high school. People say logical thinkers are usually good in math. Here's the thing. I AM a logical thinker. I can identify solutions to real world problems others can't see. I even applied the "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king" analogy to Susie Orman since I don't get why she is so popular. But that's not the point. I don't get why nothing ever clicks to me in math. I can't improve. I never get better. I forget things very easily and even if I take notes, when I get home, the notes look like someone else wrote them. I HATE studying because to me it never works. And I don't like being tutored by my brother. It's just the way I am. My brother is EXTREMELY smart in math but I hate being tutored by him. One of the things that REALLY REALLY PISSES ME OFF about math is how frustrating it is to me. My anger issues get in the way of me trying to solve a problem. I often get to the point of breaking things and have to calm myself down in class whenever I raise my fist to smash my desk with. I even get to the point of destroying my self-esteem by telling myself how much of a failure I am. I even CRY because of math. I CRY. A 15 year old man (I look like a friggin' 20 year old) CRYING. It's pathetic. Anyway, about my continuation program. The ONLY HOPE I HAVE IN GETTING INTO GEOMETRY NEXT SEMESTER. It BLOWS CHUNKS. You have this pie chart that is separated with slices that are math subjects. There is 250 (I think) topics you have to master. But here is the ******* RETARDED part. At the end of every day at this shithole, you do this assessment. It involves the whole pie chart into a 25 question mini quiz. I worked REALLY FREAKIN' HARD to get to over 170 topics. Then after finishing the assessment, I go down to 160!!!!!!! It doesn't stop there. I get back to 170 and the next assessment brings me down to 154!!!!! Thats FAILING!!!!............. I need to calm down. So as you can see, math is a ***** to me. It messes with my life. Everything is going fine until math comes along and screws everything up. Just like it always does. My Mom pretends to care and she just makes things worse. Also the person that watches us when we are in class bugs the hell outta me. Every time she says we have an assessment at the end of class, I clench my fist and start to shake in anger. Then go home, TRY to do some problems on the website at home, get angry. Exit out the window and cry about how stupid I am. I am not even that stupid. I like every other class. It's just math....... Why........ Why do they make us learn this? It's not even learning, It's just trying to memorize formula for the next test. It's a waste of time....... Help me......

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